Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
What a dumb baby whore.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
