so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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