I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
