Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
