i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize