I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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