If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
