the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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