i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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