If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
