I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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