I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
