totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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