You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
