i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize