Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Is it because I queefed?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
