Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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