So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize