I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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