I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
