the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
