I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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