I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
