my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
