I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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