i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
