You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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