i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
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my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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