You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This toilet bowl is my home.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
