I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
