i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
