Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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