dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
