my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
