I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
