I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
