I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
