I'm really into asian looking animals
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
