it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
