Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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