Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
