the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
