...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
