dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
