I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
