Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
