Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
