She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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