I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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