I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
