i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
