We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
