pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
