A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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