can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
