i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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