Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
