I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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