so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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